the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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