If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
