If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
