So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize