i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Drake has all the answers
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
