who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
