Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
