Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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