You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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