Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
