He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
