sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
my poor anus
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
