I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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