whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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