mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize