dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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