I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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