Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize