in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
