WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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