We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
