I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Come see our sink grown plant.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
