apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
