I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
