but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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