It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
