Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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