i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize