Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
