remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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