Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
tell me about the eggs
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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