I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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