I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
