grandma shit on top of the toilet
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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