The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
