i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
