I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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