I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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