We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize