Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
