i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
