This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
