dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
