who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
