Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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