I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
