is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
