First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize