Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
