then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
