True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
