I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
