what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize