Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
