I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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