you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I need water and some morals
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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