Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
