I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
