There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
