Yo dont text me then not text me
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
