I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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