Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize