areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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