Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
