I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
