2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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