Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It's blow job season.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
