im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
only you would photoshop your dick
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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