i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
