was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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