She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
ttyl tear gas
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize