I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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