I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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