then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize