Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
